


Anatomy of a Broken Soul

by Caraphernellic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Dean Whump, F/M, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:03:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1802995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caraphernellic/pseuds/Caraphernellic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester was kidnapped when he was seventeen. One might consider it typical- a drunk and pissed off teenager walking home through the ‘bad part of town.’ That’s not to say that it didn’t cause a lot of grief, especially on behalf of his family. But after weeks of searching and no leads, life went on as it always did, and the police were forced to stop looking. On average, 99% of abducted children are dead within the first 24 hours. It was easy to speculate that Dean fell into that 99%- at least, for the police anyway. For his parents and his brother, they lived an odd life of not knowing whether they should be hoping to see Dean again or merely hoping to find his body. Maybe his kidnapping wasn’t remarkable, but maybe what happened after that was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta-d for now, but I'm looking for a beta. The medical jargon and terminology is almost 100% accurate, since I'm sort-of a med student myself. Let me know what you guys think of the story so far please ! (:

Today, Castiel Novak was banished to what the staff refers to as ‘the pit’- aka, the emergency room. The interns detest emergency room time, because it seems to only be sprained ankles and stitches- they want the good stuff, the exciting surgeries and the trauma. This was one of those days that gave the pit its stereotype; quiet and uneventful, only full of sniffling children and elderly patients. That is, until a gurney is rushed in by frantic medics yelling vitals. It looked like a scene out of ‘Dr. Sexy, M.D’, all drama and excitement. Cas steps out of the way initially, but he’s one of the only interns in the ER today so he’s bound to get in on the action. He follows after the gurney and stands awkwardly in the doorway of the room, surveying the scene and trying to comprehend what’s happening.

 

On the gurney is a guy about his own age, who actually looks vaguely familiar. He’s pale and dirty, and practically covered head to toe in lacerations and abrasions. Cas doesn’t get a better look than that before a voice yells “NOVAK ! Don’t just stand there, get a morphine drip, stat !” The voice belongs to his supervisor, Victor Henrikson, a second year resident. Cas scurries off in search of the IV bag, bringing it back and finally stepping into the room. Henrikson clears a few people out, but lets Cas stay so long as he stays out of the way. Cas stands in the corner, watching the nurses and residents work. They cut off the man’s clothing, and the sight horrifies Cas. It’s not often that he is perturbed while in the workplace, but this is the worse case of abuse he’s ever seen. There isn’t a clear patch of skin visible- it’s all bruised, scarred, or lacerated in some fashion. The bones are all prominent, leading Cas to believe that he hasn’t been properly nourished either. He watches with a sick feeling as the staff gently cleans the man’s extensive wounds and then attends to them and addresses them individually. Castiel is startled out of his trance when Henrikson approaches him with a chart. “I need you to fill out the patient’s chart and keep an eye on him while I speak with the police. I’ll debrief you when I can.” It’s a short, no nonsense conversation, one that Cas has come to expect from Victor. Cas sits down in the visitor’s chair and pulls out a pen, but the name at the top of the chart stops him in his tracks. ‘Dean Winchester’

Castiel now knows why he looks familiar- he was kidnapped in a town near his own, years ago. Cas was barely out of high school then… it had to have been, what, four years ago ? It was all over the news for weeks, and then suddenly everything just stopped. Cas looks up from the chart, to look at the patient again. Castiel has never known such tragedy- he grew up privileged, comfortable, and safe. The best private schools, the fast track to college, a large, loving family and a last name that made him well-known. He snaps out of his thoughts when he drops his pen, and resumes writing out the chart. “The lost boy has finally been found.” He thinks to himself.

 

A few hours later, Cas is gathered in a room with only a small group of people- all the same people that have treated Dean since he’s arrived. There’s Henrikson of course, then a kindly nurse named Missouri, an amicable nurse named Pamela, an older resident Benny, and then Dr. Balthazar Milton, who is currently speaking. “We are moving Dean from ER to ICU, but unlike normal treatment, we are going to keep all of you on call for his care. There will be no switching shifts or rotations until he is given a clean bill of health and released. None of us can imagine what he’s been through, and we want to make it as easy as possible on him. No surprises, no more unfamiliar faces. Thank you, you may all go.”

 

Interns often do shifts that last days at a time, so around midnight Cas is still at the hospital, taking a coffee break and watching the news in the on-call room. The story of Dean being found alive is blowing up the local stations, and even quite a bit of the national ones. Cas turns the volume up to listen “….21 year old Dean Winchester was found alive today by police in Wichita, over three hundred miles away from where he was abducted, four years ago. Police say that his kidnapper, Alistair Robbins, passed away a month ago of a heart attack, leaving Dean locked in this basement, with no way out.” The camera cuts to a shot of a dilapidated basement. “It was a stroke of luck that caused the discovery- neighbors had not seen Mr. Robbins and called to report it, bringing local police to the scene. Sheriff Jodi Mills was the first to identify the young man as Dean- she was a family friend of the Winchesters. The family will finally be reunited with their son this evening.” Cas shuts off the tv after the story ends, trying to take it all in. It seems like something he would see in a crime television show, but this is something real and it happened in his hometown...it sends shivers up his spine, and he leaves the cold and empty room to find some company.

 

He walks past Dean’s room and sees that it’s empty. He walks in on a whim and sits down after checking his stats. He hasn’t seen Dean’s eyes open once yet, and he fears that he’ll wake up alone and scared. Castiel must have been sitting there for almost twenty minutes when someone appears in the doorway. A lanky kid with long brown hair, clutching what looks like a small stuffed giraffe.

 

“Uh…can I come in ?” He asks nervously, looking at Cas.

 

Cas stands up quickly, like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing. “Yeah, I was just…..I didn’t want him to wake up and be alone.” He hurries to get the words out, so it doesn’t appear that he was sitting there and staring mindlessly.

 

The boy walks in slowly, as though he’s preparing himself. He sucks in a breath when he sees Dean, his eyes tearing up. “I’m…I’m Dean’s brother, Sam.” He says to Cas. “Thanks for watching him.”

“ You’re welcome. I’ll give you two some privacy.” Cas says politely, striding toward the door. Sam stops him “Could you…maybe stay ?”

A lot of people are intimidated by being alone with someone who is injured or sick in the hospital, especially young people like Sam. Cas nods and pulls a chair up beside him. He watches Sam place the worn giraffe on Dean’s bedside. “Mom says it was his favorite when he was really little.” He tells Cas, not taking his eyes off Dean. “Her and my Dad are in the waiting room. She said she doesn’t know if she can handle seeing him like this.” He looks down at his hands, then back up at Cas. “How is he doing ? You can tell me, the honest truth.” 

Cas looks into his sincere hazel eyes. “He hasn’t woken up yet, we haven’t been able to determine.” His own voice sounds foreign to him- it sounds calm and indifferent, when on the inside this is definitely affecting him. They teach you to detach yourself, in med school, but something like this…it hits home.

“He looks different.” Sam finally says. “Not even older, not that much. But he used to be really tan….and he had freckles on his nose. I guess it’s weird seeing him without a smile, too.”

“It will take time….but you’ll see him smile again.” Cas says, even though you’re never supposed to make promises to a patient’s family. He’s searching for something more comforting to say when Dean’s parents appear in the doorway. Cas quietly slips out and lets them have time with their son.

 

In the morning, Cas saves Dean’s room for last when he does rounds. He meticulously checks his vitals and all the equipment, before inspecting his IV bag and trying to decide if he should switch it out. As he stands there contemplating, beside him a pair of jade green eyes flutter open. It takes Cas another minute to notice, and when he does, it’s a shock. Dean’s eyes are gorgeous, bright against his pale skin and peeking out from underneath long lashes- and not to mention, he’s awake. 

“Dean.” Cas practically breathes. He’s frozen for a moment before his training kicks in. “How are you feeling ?”

Dean barely raises his hand and tilts it in a ‘so-so’ motion. 

“I’m going to get your doctor, alright ? And then you can see Sam and your mom and dad.”

 

Cas is antsy as he checks on his other patients and fills out charts. He wants to go back to Dean’s room now that he’s awake, but of course Dean deserves time with his family. He can’t figure out what’s drawing him to Dean…he won’t admit that maybe it’s the pull of Dean’s story, or maybe curiosity from a medical standpoint. He won’t let himself believe that it’s just to gawk at the tragedy that has become Dean’s life. Cas just wants to get to know Dean, the real Dean.

 

Dean isn’t used to so many people being around. Doctors, nurses, even his family. It’s a bit much after four years practically living in solitude. He doesn’t speak anymore, hasn’t for two years now. It’s kind of a problem now that he’s back in civilization, especially when he’s trying to communicate with his doctors. Really, he just wants his old iPod so that he can drown out the world and recollect himself. Everything is too bright here, too loud, too much….He turned on the news earlier and heard his story told a hundred different times, a hundred different ways. Poor Dean, brave Dean, alive Dean, older Dean. He wants to tell them that he’s just Dean. He wants to be just Dean again.

 

He likes his nurse, Missouri, a lot. She speaks quietly and she’s gentle, and she doesn’t pressure him into speaking. He also likes the young doctor he saw briefly earlier, although he hasn’t interacted with him much. But he saw in his eyes intelligence and kindness, not the hunger to know and understand what has happened to him.

 

Dean can see his body in the light now, and it’s not a pleasing sight to him. He used to be reasonably attractive, but now he’s hideously disfigured. Round cigarette burns litter his forearms, bruises and cuts cover his body, and his back is covered in whip marks and welts. He’s looking down at himself with distaste when someone knocks softly on his open door. 

“Dean ? You awake ?” It’s a rough, deep voice he isn’t familiar with, until the young, blue-eyed doctor from that morning strides into the room. “I’m sorry, but I have to change your bandages now.”

Dean just sits up a little, leaning forward. He knows that the doctor is referring to his back, where infection is most likely to occur. He feels light, cool touches on his sore back, carefully peeling off the wrap and rubbing salve onto it. He hisses in pain anyway, because the deep grooves are sensitive. 

 

“I apologize. I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t to help you.” Cas tries to be as gentle but as thorough as possible. He finishes up and replaces Dean’s gown. “Would you like some company ? Or are you tired ?” Cas asks. 

 

Dean looks at him, quiet and apologetic. Apparently Cas hasn’t gotten the memo that he doesn’t speak.

 

Cas’ blue eyes search his until he finally figures it out. He lifts the white board detailing the patient and nurse name off the wall and grabs a dry erase marker out of the drawer next to Dean’s bed. “I’ll get you a real one of these soon.”

 

With that, Dean writes down one word- “Stay.”


	2. Chapter 2

Cas stays with Dean for about half an hour, and in that time he learns more about Dean than anyone else has bothered. He learns that Dean doesn’t like too many people in the room at once, he wants to keep his light off as much as possible, and that he’s hurting when he breathes

 

. “I feel as though sometimes the other doctors in this hospital forget that patients are people, and not just a diagnosis.” Cas mutters as he helps Dean with a nasal cannula. “There, is that better ? No more burning sensation ?”

 

Dean nods gratefully. Cas’ pager beeps, and he apologizes before quickly exiting the room, and Dean is alone again.

 

 

Days pass, filled with visits from Sam and his parents, sleeping, and various medical personnel poking and prodding him. He doesn’t feel like he’s even healing- his ribs are still giving him pain, his lungs still don’t work without oxygen support, and his wounds aren’t closing. Everyone tells him that he’s ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ and that he’s ‘making great progress,’ but he doesn’t believe it. He’s still ‘kidnapped Dean’ and not ‘just Dean.’ It’s wearing on him and stressing him out, and it seems like the only person not too busy to care is Cas, the young intern. His family is too blinded by their own feelings and his other doctors and nurses are too caught up, but not Cas. He makes Dean feel like he has time for him, even though he probably acts that way with all his patients.

 

On this particular night, Dean has woken up from a nightmare, and pressed his call button.

 

 

Missouri answers it, but he requests Cas, and ten minutes later, Cas appears in the doorway. “Hey, champ, you okay ?” Dean doesn’t feel like writing out an explanation, so he just shakes his head no. Cas sits on the edge of his bed.

 

“Pain ?” Dean shakes his head again. “Just want some company, then ? I can stay for a few minutes.” Cas chatters mindlessly, trying to distract Dean from his obvious discomfort. Dean falls asleep while he’s talking, the tail of his lab coat underneath Dean’s arm. He lifts it gently and puts it back on the bed, but not before giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. “Goodnight, Dean.”

 

Two hours later, Cas is tiredly making his last round of this shift when he spots a commotion down the hall- namely, Benny running into a patient room. Cas briskly walks down to see if he needs some assistance and realizes that it’s Dean’s room. Dean is making an odd squeaking noise and flailing slightly, his eyes wide and panicked.

 

“Novak, can I have some help ?” Benny asks him, trying to gently prevent Dean from injuring himself further.

 

Cas comes in and puts a gentle hand on Dean’s arm, not grabbing, just resting. “Dean.” He says in a calm voice. “Dean, you’re having a panic attack. Just breathe for me, deep breaths, and Benny and I will stay with you, okay ?” Dean turns his attention from Benny to Cas and visibly tries to calm himself. It doesn’t work for several minutes, but together, Cas and Benny are able to de- escalate him.

 

Dean lays flat on his back after that, staring at the ceiling. Benny sits on one side of his bed, a few feet away so as not to crowd him. Cas does the same, forgetting that he was supposed to be going home after a 36 hour shift. Castiel falls asleep, and is woken up by Benny about forty-five minutes later.

“You need to go home, brother.” One look at Dean, who is sleeping peacefully, and Cas agrees. He needs to try to distance himself, he’s becoming too attached to a patient. He’s a professional, for God’s sake, it’s practically the first rule of becoming a doctor.

 

He goes to collect his things from the on-call room and drives home. He has the entire rest of the day until the evening off, and he starts it with a long nap. After his sleep, Cas takes a hot shower and makes himself a nice dinner. He lives alone in a decent sized house in the nice part of town- his parents wouldn’t have it any other way. Although he lives alone, Cas wouldn’t say that he is lonely. He has his brothers and sister, and he has his work. He doesn’t need a boyfriend, or a pet, or constant daily visits from his parents. Maybe sometimes he would like a friend, but for the most part, Castiel is content with just peaceful existence.

 

 

Dean has been in the hospital for five days. He’s frustrated, and he just wants to go home. Four years he’s waited to go home, but they only want to keep him here. In his mind, he can heal just as well there, without all the constant bustle and the tests and the needles. Right now, he’s leaning against his mom, pretending to sleep as she strokes his hair. Dean can’t believe he survived all of that horror without her, he honestly can’t. He’s glad he doesn’t have to anymore. He hears footsteps come into the room; most likely another doctor.

 

“I can come back a different time, if you’d like.” Cas says softly.

 

“No, just try not to wake him, please. He’s been having trouble sleeping.” Mary says, sadness coloring her voice. “I suppose that’s to be expected though.” She sighs as she looks down at her son. “This is a miracle though, it really is. Angels were watching over him.”

 

Cas gives her a slight smile as he administers some medicine into Dean’s IV line. “He’s doing remarkably well, we’re all very proud of him.”

 

“He likes you, you know.” Mary says to him. “He enjoys your company, you’re very good with him.”

 

This catches Cas off guard, and stuns him into silence for a moment. “I’m glad that he finds comfort in me. I enjoy his company as well. I’ll be back to check on him later.”He touches Mary’s shoulder for a moment before closing Dean’s door behind him.

 

It breaks Dean’s heart to hear his mom’s soft crying and murmured words when she thinks her son is asleep.

 

_The whip cracks down across Dean’s back painfully, for the fifth time now. He knows better than to whimper now, that will come later, when he’s alone and locked in darkness again. It’s been two years, two years without leaving a dingy basement. He misses everything, Hell, he even misses school. He goes back to that night every single day in his mind, changing the way the events occurred. Maybe if he’d drank less, or chosen a different route. If he’d done anything different, maybe it wouldn’t be this way. He’ll never escape, can never escape, because even when he does he’ll always be here._

 

“Dean ?” Mary shakes Dean awake gently. “Was it another nightmare sweetie ?”

 

Dean nods, but in his head he thinks “No. It was real.”

 

Dean doesn’t sleep willingly anymore, he just waits until he’s too tired that he’s forced to. If he lays down to bed deliberately, he ends up thinking about how he spent four years in Hell. Or he falls asleep and dreams about it instead. It’s such a shock to his system to be back above ground, in the light, essentially thrown back into his past life, when he had honestly thought he was going to die there. And he feels bad for disrupting everyone’s lives, again. They must have been finally healing…Sam would be graduating soon, and Jo would be starting high school, Dad must be gaining headway with his business with Bobby…..

 

It makes Dean wonder if maybe he should have stayed gone, for the benefit of everyone else.

 

That thought makes him think back to his rescue- he had been sleeping when he heard the footsteps upstairs. He hadn’t heard any in so long, and they startled him awake. There was more than one pair of footsteps. The sound of the locks on the door to the basement being busted made him cringe back into a corner of the dusty space. More footsteps sounded, on the stairs this time, and they seemed to echo around the mostly-empty room. A flashlight beam had swept along the length of the darkness, searching. Dean had remembered wanting to call out so badly, but being unable to find the courage or the voice. The moment he heard the voice, he knew that it was Sheriff Mills. Dean had crawled out of his meager hiding space and shown himself, much to the shock of Jodi and the other officers. They had carefully ushered him upstairs and outside, to wait for the ambulance. He remembers hearing all the phone calls and the police radios, all the shocked voices and pitying looks.

 

In all, he remembered the whole ordeal only in pieces and fragments, like short, unstructured memories in his mind. The wail of the ambulance siren approaching the house had seemed so loud then, and the night air so brisk and cool that it seemed to frost Dean’s skin. All his senses were heightened, and he felt like he was in a dream, until the pain made him realize that he wasn’t. He had started drifting in and out of consciousness on the way to the hospital, his body and mind both in shock.

 

And that was how Dean Winchester was saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I had trouble organizing this chapter- I feel like it skips around a lot. I hope it still makes sense....also, it's a little shorter, but I felt like it was completed. I wanted to do some more description about Dean's rescue, but I figured it wouldn't make sense for him to remember every little detail, what with shock and all that. I might do some more elaboration later....Thoughts on this chapter ?


	3. Chapter 3

Dean can leave his room now, which usually results in Sam pushing him in a wheelchair down the hallways, or to the cafeteria, or the solariums at the end of the halls. It makes Dean feel like a little less of a prisoner, but not less of a burden. What kind of 21 year old can’t walk by himself ? Especially one with two fully functioning legs. But no, Dr. Milton insists that his lungs aren’t strong enough and his vitals aren’t quite right. Dean chooses to sit by windows mostly, watching the sunset or the stars. He even wheels himself down to the cafeteria sometimes, and parks his wheelchair by the floor-to-ceiling windows, watching the cars go by at night.

 

That’s just what he’s doing now, as Cas goes down for his coffee break. He walks up beside him.

 

“Hey Dean, mind if I sit ?”

 

Dean shakes his head and turns toward him, holding up his whiteboard “How are you ?”

 

 

Cas smiles, because that’s typical Dean- worrying about everyone else before himself. “I’m good, thank you. How is your back today ?”

 

 

Dean shrugs noncommittally and takes a sip of his own coffee. He scribbles quickly on his board and slides it over to Cas. “Milton says I might be able to walk in a few days.”

 

 

“That’s very good Dean, that means you may be out of here soon.” Cas tells him with a pat on the shoulder. “Want me to wheel you back up ? I’m going there anyway.”

 

 

Cas takes Dean back up to his room and helps him get settled, and Pam comes in to check his vitals. His readings will determine if Milton is going to allow him to walk on his own or not. If his blood sugar is too low, for example, then he won’t be allowed to- it could result in him blacking out or fainting. His body presides as a delicate balance, since he lived undernourished for so long.

 

“You’re good to go, champ.” Pamela tells him with a smile. “I’ll go tell Dr. M and he’ll come double check. She blows him a kiss and goes out into the hall to find Balthazar. She passes by Cas and gives him a thumbs up, and he fist pumps when she turns around.

 

A few minutes later, Pam enters Dean’s room again. “Milton said he’s busy, but that Cas can take you if you want. I mean, Dr. Novak.”

 

Dean agrees, and Cas comes to take Dean an hour later. “Milton checked him over ? He’s good to go ?” He double checks.

 

Pam rolls her eyes “Yeah, yeah.”

 

Castiel helps Dean stand up, IV pole in hand, and slowly walk a little around the room. “Take it easy, Dean. If you get too tired, let me know. There’s a wheelchair in the hall waiting if you need it, and oxygen again if you feel like that will help.” He keeps a light hand underneath Dean’s elbow to support him. He does fine with small steps around the room, and assures Cas that he’s ready for more. They walk down the hall, with Dean using the handrail every once in a while for support.

 

Dean had thought this would be easier, he’d thought everyone was just over-exaggerating his condition, but no, he’s already a little winded. He’s determined though, and he pushes off the handrail and keeps going.

 

He waves to Missouri as he passes by, and she stops to whistle at him. “Boy, look at you go.”

 

Cas laughs a little and jogs to keep up with him. “Dean, you can slow down a little you know.” He observes Dean for a moment. “Dean ?” He’s slowing up, but he’s also swaying slightly. Cas is at his side immediately, supporting one side of him. “Wanna take the wheelchair back, bud ?” Dean’s fingers grip the sleeve of his lab coat for only a moment before they lose pressure. He slumps against Cas, his knees buckling. “Dean ?!” Cas asks in alarm, going down with him, holding him to his chest. The IV rips out in the process, and blood starts flowing from his forearm. “I need some help !” Castiel calls out desperately. He looks down at Dean, whose eyes are closed. Somehow, he passed out, even though Pam said Dr. Milton cleared him…

 

 

Benny is the first to reach Cas and Dean. He scoops Dean up and rushes him back to his room, and Cas can’t help but watch him carry Dean and wish that he was a big strong guy who could do that too. Cas follows after him, as does Missouri. “What the hell ?!” Benny says, looking over Dean’s chart. “Look at how low his blood pressure was ! No wonder he passed out !” He points out the low number scribbled under ‘BP’. Cas clenches his fists “Pam had his chart, she’s the one who did his vitals. She told me that Dr. Milton cleared Dean, when clearly he never would have let this go.” Missouri is fixing up Dean’s arm, and Benny kindly asks Cas to step out and take a moment.

 

 

“Dean ? Can you hear me ?” Benny asks, pulling out a pen light to shine in his eyes. Dean lets out a small groan and bats his hand away, getting a chuckle out of Benny. “You passed out, but you’re going to be just fine. Just a little blood pressure problem, nothing we can’t fix.”

 

 

Out in the hall, Sam and Mary wait with Cas, until it’s safe to go into Dean’s room. Cas lets them have their time, and goes to find Pam, still seething.

 

“Pamela !” He yells when he sees her. “What the hell do you think you’re doing ? Did you even look at what blood pressure you wrote down ?! 110 over  65 ! I took Dean out to walk because you told me that Milton cleared him, when he didn’t ! He passed out, and his IV ripped out, and now all of that unnecessary pain and extra recovery time is on you, all because you were too damn busy to tell someone that his blood pressure was too low !” Cas finishes in a huff, realizing that everyone in the hall has stopped to stare and listen.

 

“Novak ! Go home, now. Your shift is done.” Henriksen is shaking his head, and he grabs the clipboard out of Cas’ hand. “I expect more out of you. And for you, Pamela, my office, now.”

 

Dean is sitting in his room, pretending to watch tv with his mom and Sam. In reality, they’re all sitting there awkwardly, pretending that they didn’t just hear the exchange in the hallway. Dean is wishing that Cas wasn’t leaving so that he could apologize to him. He couldn’t even walk down the damn hallway without messing things up, not only for himself, but for a doctor who’s just been trying to help him this whole time. He tells his mom and brother that he’s tired and he just wants to sleep, and they let him get some rest. In all honesty, Dean does more wallowing then he does sleeping, but isn’t that kind of the Winchester way ?

 

 

Cas is ‘suspended’ for being unprofessional. Luckily, it’s only a two day suspension, but he still feels like he is not the doctor in the wrong. Supposedly a case of patient neglect was filed against Pam by John and Mary Winchester. Cas doesn’t really blame them, especially with all that Dean has been through. The worst part about Cas’ suspension isn’t even that he isn’t getting paid, it’s that he isn’t able to check up on his patients and see how they’re doing. The hospital is his life, and every person that he’s met there has impacted him somehow. So many lives he’s seen saved and lost, so many pieces shattered and put back together- but he wouldn’t want any other job.

 

 

Dean is sitting on his bed with his face hidden in his knees when Castiel first comes back to work. He sits next to him and puts a gentle hand on his back. “Champ ?”

 

Dean raises his head, and Cas can see that he’s been crying. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Dean get emotional, and he knows it must have all been bottling up. “Listen…I can’t say I know what you’ve been through, nor can I spout off facts about kidnapping or its victims. But medicine- medicine I do know. And that’s how I know that you _can_ heal from this Dean, you _will_. I know that it’s difficult right now, and it hurts, and it seems like nothing is working, but trust me when I say that you’re doing amazing. It wasn’t your fault that you passed out, that was a fault on part of the staff, and maybe even me. I apologize for that Dean, I really do. But you can make it through this, and I’m going to be here for you through all of it.”

 

Dean pulls Castiel into an unexpected hug, burying his tear-streaked face in his shoulder. Cas rubs his back lightly, feeling the ridges and grooves of his scars even through the gown. They stay like that for several minutes before Cas helps Dean to settle back down and take a breather.

 

Cas can’t imagine what Dean must be feeling; all the things he must have felt throughout his capture, and all the things after. As he watches over Dean as he sleeps, he wishes that Dean could be as peaceful as he looks. What did such a gentle soul do to deserve everything he’s been put through ? Then again, Cas could probably say the same about everyone in the hospital.

 

Dean has a very strange dream that night- it starts off as a nightmare, with him being ripped apart in Hell. But the scene starts to change, and the flames burning around him begin to extinguish, and in their place, a soft blue swirling light replaces the harsh orange. Someone grabs his hand, and it looks to be an angel, its wings blackened by the fire. He pulls Dean out of Hell, the air getting fresher by the moment, and the heat and pain receding. Just before they’re about to break free, Dean catches a glimpse of the angels bright blue eyes.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, mishaps like that happen in hospitals all the time, which I could tell you guys from experience. I wanted to include some of that in the story because its realistic- often things in a hospital don't run smoothly, between busy doctors and doctors who are just plain careless. Also, I wanted to put some struggle into Dean's recovery, because lets be honest- he's not going to just heal up and be fine. By the way, normal blood pressure for an adult like Dean is 120/80 (:


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning* This chapter contains descriptions of anxiety/ panic attacks

Dean stays in the hospital for four more days, making it a total of two weeks. He’s released on a Sunday, and his mom is planning a huge family dinner. She’s trying so hard to make things normal again for him, but he just needs time. He’s never going to be normal again, and he wishes everyone would understand that and stop waiting for the old Dean to come back.

Dean scrubs a hand over his face, bustling around the room to collect all his things. He’s not sure how he feels about going home- he’s waited for so long, but now the prospect of seeing his old life seems so scary. So many memories… Even just putting on his old clothes this morning seemed wrong, like he was trying to be past-Dean. He sighs and sits down on his bed, waiting for the discharge papers to be taken care of. Cas enters the room to say goodbye.

“I have to say that I’m going to miss you- but that being said, I don’t ever want to see you in here again.” He smiles. “I know you have a long hard road in front of you, but I know you’re tough enough to handle it, too. Good luck, Dean.”

Dean gives him a quick hug, and then his mom, dad, and brother are there to take him home. Dean feels like he’s in a dream as he finally walks out of the hospital and climbs into the old Impala he loves so much.

“We’re going home, Dean.” His mom smiles and squeezes his hand, wiping her eyes.

He watches the outside world that he’s missed so much, listening to the old rumble of his favorite car. He flashes back to being seventeen for a moment; joy riding the car down a back road at night, trying to impress a girl in the passenger seat. He was so carefree back then, confident and...happy.

“Dean ?” Sam’s voice breaks his reverie. “We’re home.” He takes Dean’s bags and watches him walk up the drive, stopping to stare for a moment. The house looks exactly the same, just as if he’d never left it.

Sam is the one to lead Dean to his room, while their mom and dad prepare everything for the dinner party.

Dean pushes open his bedroom door, walking inside. He takes a deep breath, and is hit with a familiar smell- it’s musty, and smells faintly of smoke and leather. Everything is exactly where he left it- pack of cigarettes still stashed under a floorboard, dirty t-shirts still thrown over the chair, bed still unmade. Dean could almost pretend that this was four years ago, and he had just come home from the party. Almost, but not quite.

He flops down onto his bed, breathing in the scent again, and burying himself under the covers.

Mary comes upstairs around an hour later to wake Dean up. “Dinner’s ready sweetheart, everyone will be here soon. ‘Everyone’ consists of Bobby Singer and Ellen and Jo Harvelle, the family’s closest friends. Hell, they aren’t even friends, they’re family. They hadn’t gotten to see Dean while he was in the hospital, because his parents decided it would be too stressful for him. He was nervous now, because it meant more tears and more pitying looks. Dean got dressed and went downstairs to wait in the living room.

When they arrived, Jo got to him first. She squeezed him in a big hug “Well, you’re just as square-headed as the last time I saw you.” Ellen scolds her, but it pulls a laugh out of Dean. He was glad that she was treating him normally. Ellen was next -pulling him into a long, soft hug, with a “We’re so glad you’re back, sweetie.” Bobby hung back until Mary had ushered Ellen and Jo into the kitchen. He came up and held Dean’s face for a moment, with tears in his eyes. Bobby was like a second father to him, and he knew that he was like the son Bobby never had. Bobby hugged him around the shoulders with a gruff “Good to see you again, boy.”

They all gather into the kitchen and get their food buffet-style. Dean has missed his mother’s cooking a lot, and it’s even better than he remembers. He’s about to dig in when he notices everyone staring at him. “Uh…Dean, we say grace now.” John tells him with a forced smile. They all join hands and John says a prayer for their meal. Well, that’s definitely new, they were never religious before. It kind of bothers Dean, since he doesn’t believe in God or a higher power anymore. He shakes it off and looks around the table at the faces he never thought he’d see again. Everyone looks the same, except for Jo and Sam. Jo was ten when he’d been kidnapped, and she looked a lot different now at fourteen. Little thirteen-year-old Sammy was now taller than he was, and almost a high school graduate. Dean regrets leaving him and missing him grow up.

They fill him in on what he’s missed these past years, and he drinks in as much of it as he can. Everyone else is talking so much, it seems like they’re trying to fill his own silence. He excuses himself before everyone else and goes upstairs to be alone. He climbs into bed and puts on his old iPod, the sound of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ lulling him back to sleep.

It seems so strange to him now just to be able to do whatever he wants- he can sleep in a comfortable bed, or listen to music, or watch tv. There’s no one waiting to beat him to a pulp, or yell vulgar things to him. Perhaps the weirdest thing was the lights and the colors. He spent four years in darkness and filth, and the two weeks in a bleached white hospital. But here, everything was bright and colorful, cheerful even. All of it was a shock to Dean’s system, and most of the time it left him just wanting to sleep the next four years away.

 

A new patient had moved into Dean’s old room within a day. It was almost odd now, going in there and seeing a frail old woman instead of a young guy with bright green eyes. He feels odd now that he can’t make sure that Dean is okay, and to be honest it bothers him. So much for no attachment.

The days blend together for Dean until it’s been a whole month since he’s been released from the hospital. Between panic attacks, mood swings, and nightmares, it hasn’t been the easiest month either. But he’s trying, trying to keep it together for everyone but himself.

 

On one of his days off, Castiel gets a call from an unknown number, which is strange in itself. The other odd part of it is that the call comes on his landline, which he never even uses.

“Hello ?” He answers the phone out of curiosity.

“Is this Castiel Novak ?” The woman on the other end asks.

“Yes it is. May I ask who is speaking ?”

“This is Mary Winchester, Dean’s mom.” Her voice sounds shaky.

“Is Dean alright ?” Cas asks immediately.

“No, not exactly….I don’t know what’s wrong, and he won’t go to the hospital. Could you…this is a lot to ask, but could you come over ? I think he’ll listen to you, and….please help me.” Mary sounds desperate.

“Of course, of course I will. What’s your address ?” Castiel writes it down on a piece of paper, his heart pounding. He gets into his SUV and drives toward the Winchester house right away, wondering the whole time what could be wrong.

Dean is locked in his room currently, shaking like a leaf. This is the worst panic attack he’s ever had, and the more he thinks about how he’s worrying his family the worse it gets. He just wants to crawl out of his skin. 

 

Mary is waiting for him in the driveway when Cas pulls up. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I didn’t know who else to call.”

“That’s quite alright…just take me to Dean.” Mary leads him upstairs, to the last door on the left. He knocks on it “Dean ? It’s Dr. Novak, I came to see you.”

 

Dean looks up at the sound of Cas’ voice. He waits a few minutes before he hesitantly opens the door, pulling Cas inside and shutting it again.

Cas takes in Dean’s appearance. He has dark circles under his eyes, which are wide with panic. His skin looks pale and sweaty, and he looks like he wants to escape. He knows what’s going on, and that they have to wait it out. “Hey, I’m here.” He stays a safe distance away from him.

He watches Dean pace for a minute, before sitting down and leaning against the bed. “Make it stop.” He pleads.

“Just breathe, Dean, it will be over in a few minutes.” Cas desperately wishes that he could do something more to help.

“It’s been half an hour.” Dean tears at his hair, breathing still ragged.

“Don’t hurt yourself !” Cas says, moving closer.

“I just want out. I’ve been rescued, but I’m still there. I’ll always be there.” Dean says brokenly.

“I’m sorry.” Cas whispers. It’s all he can think to say. He gently pries Dean’s fingers from his hair, and sits right next to him. “You’re safe, right now. You’re safe with me.” Cas doesn’t care about how many boundaries he’s pushing when Dean buries his face in his neck, clinging to him like it’s all he has left.

He rubs Dean’s back with gentle hands, whispering calming things into his ear. He listens to his breathing regulate and his heart beat slow. “Everything is okay, he’s dead. And I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He presses a gentle kiss to Dean’s forehead without thinking, and he realizes that Dean isn’t just a patient anymore. He’s much, much more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is probably a lot of mistakes near the end, so sorry about that. I was hurrying to get this posted. So here's basically some insight on Dean's home life after everything that's happened...


	5. Chapter 5

It takes Cas a few minutes to realize that Dean has spoken to him, and a few more to realize that he’s probably the first that Dean has spoken to since the whole ordeal. He feels a rush of pride, and then guilt because of the circumstance. He isn’t sure whether he should make a big deal out of Dean speaking, or if he should do exactly the opposite. One wrong move and it could upset Dean all over again, and that’s the last thing he wishes to do.

 

“Dean…you spoke to me.” He says dumbly.

 

“Don’t tell anyone. I’m going to go back to non-speaking, I just…needed to break out of my shell before I shattered completely.” Dean’s reply is muffled by the way his face is hidden.

 

His voice isn’t what Cas would expect, but it’s nice. Low, a little raspy from lack of use, but it gives Cas a glimpse of what Dean had been prior to this.

 

He helps Dean stand up and then get settled in bed. “I’ll bring you some water, you just relax.”

 

 

Castiel finds his way back downstairs, and meanders into the kitchen. “Mary, may I have a glass of water for Dean ?” He asks her politely.

 

 

She turns around and gives him a brief smile. “How is he doing ?” She hands him the glass with shaky hands.

 

“He’s doing much better, but I think I’d like to stay with him for a while longer, if you don’t mind.” Cas replies cautiously.

 

 

“Not at all, you can stay as long as you’d like. Sometimes I feel like you’re the only one getting through to him.” She says, almost wistfully.

 

 

“You’re doing the best you can. Dean couldn’t ask for a better family or support system.” He squeezes her hand lightly before returning upstairs.

 

 

Dean is rolled up in his blankets, but sitting up and watching tv.

 

 

“Dr. Sexy, really ?” Cas laughs, but pulls a chair up anyway. “Here’s your water.”

 

 

Dean holds up his old whiteboard, which reads “I’m sorry for being a burden. You’re not getting paid to take care of me anymore, yet I’m still bothering you.”

 

 

Cas’ heart and stomach both drop. “Dean… you’re not a burden. You’re my…friend. I want to help you.”

 

 

“Will you stay for just one episode ?” Dean writes.

 

 

Cas pretends to make a face, but accepts anyway.

 

 

 

Cas ends up staying until ten o’clock that night, after countless episodes of ‘Dr. Sexy’ and a dinner with the Winchesters. Castiel had almost forgotten what it was like to have a family dinner. He gives Dean his cell phone number before he leaves, telling himself that since Dean is no longer his patient, that it’s okay. Dean is a twenty-one year old adult, and Cas is a twenty-four year old adult, and there’s no real reason why they can’t be friends.

 

 

Sam sighs, watching his mom and dad talk to Dr. Novak like he’s the greatest thing on Earth. _He’s_ never allowed to have friends over until ten o’clock at night, but of course Dean is. Dean is the golden child, the wonder boy. It eats Sam up inside to think things like this, but he can’t help it. Ever since that night four years ago, everything has been about Dean. Even though he was gone for all that time, it never stopped being about him. They had still celebrated his birthday, and bought his favorite foods, and took care of his car. They started going to church and avidly praying, doing anything they could to try to bring him home. _Of course_ Sam wanted his brother back, but he also wanted his parents to pay attention to him too once in a while. He tried so hard to please them, but it never seemed enough because he wasn’t Dean.

 

 

Before he leaves, Castiel pulls John and Mary aside. “I think it might be best to start thinking about the idea of therapy for Dean. It has proven to be very beneficial in cases like this.”

 

“Mary and I talked about it, and we’re not sure it’s right for Dean specifically.” John says. “We don’t want him to have to relive it over and over…”

 

“You don’t think he already doesn’t ?” Cas asks pointedly. “Keeping it bottled up isn’t going to fare well for him either.”

 

“He doesn’t talk to us even, how will he open up to a stranger ?” Mary asks.

 

Cas feels immediately guilty, but he keeps his promise to Dean. “There’s only one way to find out.”

 

“We’ll think about it.” John finally says, taking his wife’s hand. “Thank you for helping us.”

 

“It was no problem. And thank you for the lovely dinner.” Cas bids them farewell and heads out to his car.

 

 

Dean wakes up one morning and decides that he wants to go out. He recruits Sam and they get into the Impala, en route to a local coffee shop. It’s been too long since Dean has driven his baby, and the prospect excites him. He wants to go out today, and not be cooped up in the house, moping around.

 

They arrive and sit at a table, sipping coffees. A few people recognize Dean and are whispering, but he ignores them in favor of ‘talking’ to Sam.

 

It’s a nice change from laying in bed all day, and Dean thinks about making a routine. Maybe he’ll do this every Monday, and then Tuesdays he’ll do something different…it will return normalcy to his life, and give him something to do- yeah, he’ll make a routine.

 

 

Get up. Shower. Eat. Talk to mom. Talk to Sam. Go on a walk. Listen to music. Text Cas. Go to the store. Eat dinner. Watch tv. Go to bed. Repeat.

 

 

That’s Dean’s routine for a while, until ‘text Cas’ starts taking over the whole agenda. Cas’ texts are sporadic since he’s always working, but it always gives Dean a thrill to hear from him. It’s something nice to look forward to for a change.

 

 

He invites Cas over one night, on the pretense of dinner.

 

 

Cas climbs up the stairs to Dean’s room, pushing open the door. Dean is sitting on his bed waiting.  He looks a lot different now than when Cas first met him. His skin is a shade of bronze, and freckles are visible sprinkled across his nose. His eyes are brighter, and he looks so much healthier. He looks beautiful.

 

“You look great. A lot better.” He says, sitting beside him.

 

“Wanna go for a walk ?” Dean writes. Cas agrees, and they go for a walk into the woods behind Dean’s house. Dean leads them on his favorite path, self-made from years of walking it. It leads out to a small stream and a slight clearing.

 

“This is beautiful.” Castiel comments appreciatively.  He sits down in the grass beside Dean, who lays down and closes his eyes. He looks so peaceful and perfect, laying there with a ray of sunlight cast across his face. His eyelashes curl across his cheeks, and his freckles practically glow. And- dammit, why is Cas practically having an internal monologue about how beautiful Dean is ? He’s just a friend, a friend who needs help, not someone trying to hit on him. Cas shuts his thoughts down and lays down beside Dean. It’s nice to have a friend outside of his colleagues- it’s good for him to be able to relax and enjoy the company of someone else. He drifts off, comfortable and content.

 

Dean leans over Cas, gently shaking his shoulder. The sky is almost dark now, and dinner must be ready. Cas’ eyes open just inches from Dean’s face, and he finally gets a close up of those blue eyes that haunt his dreams. Dean stands up and holds a hand out for him. Cas gladly takes it and flashes Dean a smile when he stands up. They walk back together in silence.

 

Dinner with the Winchesters is something that Cas has come to enjoy immensely. They’re a real family- they ask about each other’s day, eat homemade meals, talk and laugh together. Cas wishes that he had grown up in a home such as this, instead of a sterile environment with high ceilings and every toy he wanted. They have the American dream- white picket fence, 2.5 kids. Maybe it got interrupted for a while, but now Dean is back and everything is in its place.

 

 

Dean walks Cas to the door, and it shouldn’t give him butterflies but it does.  Dean gives him a tiny smile and a wave goodbye, and Cas wishes that he didn’t have to leave.

 

 

 

That night, Castiel dreams about a teenager in a dark room. He’s crying for help, sobbing and begging, but he’s alone. Cas can feel his loneliness, his pain and suffering, but he is unable to do anything but watch. He wakes up in bed, sweating and afraid for the boy. Afraid for Dean.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't that great, and I apologize. It's a little filler-ish, but I felt like I needed to add some of Sam's insight, and establish more of the infatuation happening with Cas and Dean.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't updated sooner ! I need to replace my laptop battery and my charger jack is messed up, so it was difficult to get it to work long enough for me to write.

Dean becomes Cas’ closest friend. They text whenever they can, and they hang out together quite frequently. He loves the whole Winchester family; they become his saving grace. Whenever he’s had a bad day at the hospital, he knows he can count on a warm meal and a place to crash if he doesn’t want to be alone. It’s been three months since Dean was first rescued, but to Cas, it seems like a lifetime ago that he didn’t have Dean.

 

It’s early winter now, and the pair spends most of their days in Dean’s room. They mostly watch 80’s movies or ‘Dr.Sexy, M.D.’ Sometimes they listen to music, or ‘talk’- Cas speaks and Dean writes. He hasn’t spoken again since that day, but Cas doesn’t pressure him. He recognizes that it’s Dean’s defense mechanism and that he’ll speak when he’s ready. It isn’t weird though, being with silent Dean. It’s kind of nice to have someone who doesn’t feel the need to fill every silence. 

 

For Dean, Cas is a guardian angel. He keeps him company and makes him laugh, even when he feels like breaking down and crying. All his other friends haven’t even made an attempt to see him since the kidnapping, but he doesn’t feel like he needs them with Cas around.

 

Castiel and Dean sit together on his bed, with snacks all around them. They’re having a movie night to celebrate the first snow of the season. They are pressed thigh to thigh, their feet tangled together at the end of Dean’s bed. Dean keeps snorting at the television, and Cas has never heard a more beautiful sound than his laughter. He cracks up at the movie, burying his face in Cas’ shoulder as popcorn spews out of his mouth. The sight alone makes Cas laugh too, and then they’re both doubled over, laughing at nothing. Its times like these that Cas has missed out on, being virtually friendless throughout his school years, because he was studying so hard. Dean gives him back a childhood he never had, and in return Cas gives him the one that was stolen from him. 

Mary peeks in and sees them laughing together, and the sight brings tears to her eyes. Cas is such a blessing to them, especially for Dean. He’s really come out of his shell since they’ve started hanging out more, and even though they haven’t gotten him professional help yet, she believes that he’s slowly healing.

 

Dean loves the way Cas just accepts him and all of his flaws. He doesn’t mind that Dean doesn’t always want to go out, or do anything really. Cas will sit with Dean and stare at the wall if he wants to.

 

After the second movie, Dean falls asleep with his head on Cas’ shoulder. He doesn’t want to wake him, so Cas stays still and watches the movie alone. Near the end, Dean starts twitching in his sleep. Castiel watches him for a moment, before gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up. “Dean ?” He shakes him harder when tears start to roll down his face, and finally his eyes pop open. He clings to Cas, tremoring slightly.

 

“Want to talk about it ?” Castiel asks him gently. He assumes it was another nightmare, which wouldn’t be an absurd considering all Dean has been through. To his surprise, Dean grabs his board and begins to write.

 

“I was locked in that dark basement for the entire four years. No matter how much I screamed, begged, or cried, Alastair wouldn’t let me go. He would whip me, burn me, choke me, cut me, anything he could think of, just for fun. I thought I was going to die there…I had no idea what was going on when he left me alone for that month, but it was the worst of my life. I would starve, and pass out from dehydration… I had to eat old, moldy food he had left down there, and drink dirty water off the ground, that had leaked from the ceiling. That’s what I dream about the most.”

 

Cas feels tears in his own eyes, and he knows he’ll never forget the look on Dean’s face as he wrote that. He pulls him into a tight hug, rubbing the scars on his back. “You’re safe now, with me. He’s dead, he can’t hurt you anymore.” 

 

Its right then that the full gravity of what Dean has been through hits Cas, full force. This tragedy has happened to someone whom he actually knows- this isn’t just some tv drama. Evil is really out there, and it’s everywhere, even right in Castiel’s own hometown. It’s hard to believe someone can even survive something like that, let alone for years. Dean is so broken yet so strong at the same time, and yet here he was, a kind and gentle soul, even after everything.

 

Cas ends up drifting off as well, holding Dean in his arms. When Mary comes to check on them, she just can’t bear to wake them, so she cleans up and leaves them asleep. Dean wakes early in the morning, and rolls over to see Cas asleep beside him. He smiles to himself- he could get used to this. He decides to milk it, and curls up against Cas’ chest, pretending to be asleep.

 

Even though everything is still messed up, having Cas there doesn’t freak Dean out as much as he thought it would. He supposes that after all his trauma, he should be more closed off, but he just can’t bring himself to shut everyone out. He spent so long without people there to care, he just can’t let it go now. Dean doesn’t care that he’s already becoming dangerously co-dependent on Cas- it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s clinging to anything he can, and the more Castiel allows it, the more he doesn’t push him away, the more Dean needs him.

 

Dean knows that if he were seventeen again, and Cas was a kid in his high school, they would be dating by now. He thinks that Castiel is so beautiful, and kind, and smart…He wishes that they could date, but he knows that is crossing boundaries, even for them. Dean wouldn’t be much of a catch now anyway- an anxiety ridden, nightmare plagued, traumatized freak who can’t stand to let anyone see him without layers of clothing. Just thinking about Cas seeing any more of his scars makes him sick. The worst of them are on his back, which Cas has already seen, but there are some pretty nasty ones riddling his abdomen as well. He’s simply not good looking anymore, and his new personality doesn’t exactly scream ‘boyfriend material’ either.

 

These are the kinds of things Dean thinks about late at night, when the whole Winchester family apart from himself is asleep. He’ll look out the window, into the cold, eerie winter night, and think about everything that is wrong with himself. He thinks all of it through, about the stuff he can fix, and then he gets to his appearance- it will always be this way now, there’s no changing it. Twenty-one years old with more scars than a veteran. His mind always feels so cluttered, so clogged with memories and emotions, that he often feels trapped within himself. That’s where the anxiety stems from- the feeling of being trapped, the thought of ‘get out, get out, get out’. This is one of those nights, when looking outside, he just feels so achingly lonely, so messed up beyond repair, that it seems impossible to feel this low. He gets up from his perch by the window, and throws on a coat and boots. He sneaks down the stairs and out the front door, shutting it quietly behind him. Its pitch dark outside, and cold like the night he was found. The world is so silent, and so still, Dean feels as though he’s the only one awake. He walks down the road a ways, before turning around and walking into the forest behind his house. The snow lights up the ground, while the sky remains onyx- the effect just adds to Dean’s feelings of ‘something’s not right’. Yet he keeps going, the wind chilling him even beneath all of his layers. Dean has been walking for almost half an hour, mindlessly following his old trail. He walks past the clearing, toward an old brook instead. It should be frozen over by now, and he can follow it down to wherever it leads.

 

The cold has done the job Dean wanted it to- make him numb. The fresh air clears his mind just a little, and at least he’s a little more level-headed. He decides to start heading back, and turns around to do so. The toe of his boot catches on a branch sticking up out of the ice, and he falls hard on his knees. The force of impact breaks the ice, and freezing cold water rushes up to meet Dean’s legs. He swears internally and gets up the embankment, to start running. As he does, he steps into something squishy and foul smelling- he looks down to see bright red staining his boots.

 

His scream echoes through the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter skips around a bit too, but I did a lot more elaboration on how Dean is doing post trauma, and a little insight to what he endured while he was kidnapped. I hope it's not getting too annoying to keep focusing on Dean's declining mental state and what not....thoughts ? In hindsight, this whole chapter probably doesn't make sense. I don't even know.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean kicks the dead animal aside, but it’s already too late- it has triggered him. And he just keeps screaming.

 

 

At the first scream, John and Mary sit straight up in their beds. John runs to Dean’s room, and arrives there at the same time as Sam. When they open the door and find the bed empty, panic mode sets in. John tells Sam and Mary to stay inside, and he goes out into the night to find Dean, whom he can still hear yelling.

 

 

“I’m coming Dean ! Where are you ?” John is already heading for the woods, where the screams seem to be coming from.

 

 

“Follow the stream !” Dean calls back, his voice hoarse. He shrinks down, leaning against a tree. The blood makes him remember all the blood from the first time Alastair whipped him; how it ran down his back in rivulets, pooling on the floor beside him.

 

 

“Keep talking Dean !” John tells him, running as fast as he can over the frozen ground.

 

 

“Dad help me ! Dad !”

 

It takes John ten minutes to find Dean, who is sitting on the ground, soaking wet and covered in blood. He scoops him up in his arms like he’s a little kid again, and hurries back toward the house; no questions asked. Dean clings to him and cries into his shoulder, not caring that he’s twenty-one years old and he’s forcing his dad to carry him.

 

Mary opens the door before they even hit the porch, and ushers them inside. John takes Dean right to the living room and deposits him on the couch. “Sammy, get him some new clothes.”

 

“Dean sweetie, what happened ?” Mary asks, helping her husband take his wet clothes off.

 

Dean doesn’t answer, just curls up on the couch. It’s embarrassing, how he can’t do anything anymore without freaking out. Sam brings him new clothes, and he goes into the bathroom to get cleaned up. He comes back out and has to tell his family about how he left the house in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, in the cold, to go for a walk in the woods. And then how he stepped on a dead animal and scared the shit out of them.

 

They all sit up with him around the fire, hot cocoa mugs in hand.  The Winchesters watch tv until dawn breaks, light streaming weakly through the window. They all head back to their rooms, exhausted. Dean doesn’t sleep, he texts Cas instead- he should be up, since he should be working.

 

 

“It’s bad again today.” Is all he sends.

 

 

Cas responds a little over an hour later, and Dean is still laying awake in bed.

 

 

“I’ll come see you on my lunch break.”

 

 

Dean pretends to sleep so he can lay in his bed until Castiel comes over. He hears Cas’ telltale knock on his door.

 

 

“Come in.” he says out loud. He figures that he already started yelling and screaming earlier, why not just cross the bridge and start speaking again ? Everything is already out the window anyway.

 

Cas comes in with a smile “Hey, Dean. I brought you some things.” He stopped at the hospital gift shop before he left, and picked up some chocolates and a tulip. He shows them to Dean, who smiles and takes the chocolate immediately.

 

“Mm, breakfast.” Dean says, unwrapping it with a grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thank you, Cas.”

 

“Don’t mention it…I’ve missed you. Things have been really busy at the hospital; wintertime is always a mess, with the icy roads, you know…” He trails off to chuckle at Dean, who is scarfing down his chocolate. “You’ve got some…Jeez Dean, you’re messy.” He brushes his thumb over the corner of his mouth, wiping the chocolate away. Dean’s tongue darts out to playfully lick his tongue, and Cas pulls away. “Gross !” They both start laughing, and Dean shakes his head.

 

“That was a total chick flick moment.”

 

 

 

Mary makes everyone BLT sandwiches for lunch, and packs an extra one for Cas’ next break at the hospital. He can’t stay long, but he’s glad he came to see Dean. It’s been almost a week and a half since they’ve seen one another. It’s getting harder and harder to resist the temptation that Dean creates for him, and he thinks that maybe that’s why he hasn’t been here in so long.

 

 

He does wish that he had a normal job though, which is the first time that he’s had thoughts like that. He loves helping people, he really does, but he also wishes that had more time for a social life- specifically, more time with Dean.

 

By some miracle, Cas gets his wish. He gets the choice of a whole entire, blissful full week off for Thanksgiving or for Christmas. He chooses Thanskgiving since it’s closer, and he would love to spend it at the Winchester’s. Right now, the holiday is a little over two weeks away, and Castiel is more than excited to finally have a traditional Thanskgiving dinner. He can’t wait to get up early and help Mary prepare the food, and tease Dean as he makes the pies. It’s going to be perfect.

 

 

John and Mary insist that Cas stay the whole week with them, so he doesn’t have to be alone. They have a guest room in the same hall as Dean and Sam’s rooms, upstairs.

 

“You work too hard ! You can stay here, and relax. I’ll cook you meals like I do for all my boys.” Mary tells him, kissing his head. “Don’t worry about a thing.”

 

 

On the Sunday morning before Thanksgiving, Cas arrives at the Winchester house with his bags packed. Dean helps him settle into his new quarters, and they spend the day competing against each other in video games. That evening, the weekly family dinner is still held- with Cas joining them for the first time.

 

Cas looks around the table, at Missouri, Ellen, Bobby, Jo, and all the other dear friends, and he knows that with this support system, Dean can get through anything. They’re an odd, slightly raggedy bunch, but none of them would have it any other way.

 

 

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you _are_ getting better.” Cas tells Dean. They’re sitting on Dean’s bed, talking.

 

“I don’t feel as bad, but I know I still have a long way to go.” Dean sighs. Cas doesn’t think he’ll ever get over how much he loves the sound of his voice.

 

Dean looks up at Cas, and has the sudden, overwhelming urge to press their lips together. Cas means so much to him, has been there for him for months now, and he just needs more. He needs this to mean something, to make it permanent. Because if he loses this, he doesn’t think he’ll ever recover. He needs, craves affection so much now, and he truly has feelings for Cas.

 

“Cas.” Dean murmurs his name, trying to get his attention. “I…nevermind.” A faint blush covers his cheeks.

 

“Tell me.” Cas says in a teasing tone.

 

Dean shakes his head, embarrassed now. He doesn’t even know what he was trying to say himself. He buries his face in his pillow, hoping Cas will drop it.

 

 

Cas pokes Dean’s side. “Deeeeaaann. Tell me.” He resorts to tickling him when he refuses to answer.

 

 

Finally, Dean squirms away, then rises up and pins Cas’ hands down. “Gotcha !”

 

 

They both smile stupidly at each other for a moment, when Dean leans down, intent on Cas’ lips.

 

 

“Dean !” Sam yells, flinging the door open. “Dean- oh, shit. Sorry.” Sam closes the door again.

 

 

 

Dean pulls away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little shorter than normal, I apologize. Anyway, we're finally gaining some headway into their actual relationship... (:


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated sooner, I meant to update yesterday but then some stuff happened. Anyway, this is really fluffy, so enjoy.

 Dean is beyond embarrassed- his face is bright red. He turns away from Cas, his cheeks flaming.

 

“I’m sorry.” Dean says softly.

 

“Don’t…don’t apologize. I’m not sorry.” Cas says. “I could never be sorry for…that.” He reaches out to stroke Dean’s arm soothingly. “It’s okay.”

 

Dean doesn’t know how to respond. ‘Oh, sorry for trying to kiss you ?’ No, it was too embarrassing to say out loud. He lays down beside Cas, not touching him now.

 

“I wanted to kiss you too.” Cas tells him softly. He turns his head and pecks Dean’s shoulder instead.

 

“We should take things slow. Not because I don’t want this, because I do. I just don’t want to mess anything up.” Cas actually cringes at how he sounds- like a cliché romance movie.

 

“I agree.” Dean replies quietly. He shifts a little closer to him.

 

 

 

They stay in the ‘awkward cuddling stage’ for quite a while. They haven’t held hands or kissed yet, but they did go on one date to the movie theater. The movie was terrible and they left early to take a walk in a local park. It was that night that Cas realized he would do anything for Dean. He wanted to give him everything, and in return he just wanted Dean’s happiness. Dean could give him everything back with just one smile. It’s been six months now since he first saw Dean, back at the hospital. Six months that Dean has been released from torture…. He tries not to think that way anymore- Dean is more than just a victim.

 

 

It’s the middle of December now, and Castiel cannot decide what to get Dean for Christmas. Dean is a hard person to buy for, even though Cas knows he’ll at least pretend to like it even if it’s the worst gift ever. He wants to come up with the perfect thing, something really special. The idea hits him one day when he’s in the passenger seat of Dean’s car. Dean is popping in an old cassette tape, and oddly enough, it makes Cas flash back to the few rare vinyls that Dean owns. However, he doesn’t have a record player…it would be the perfect thing, he knows how much Dean loves music. And he knows exactly which records to buy.

 

 

Cas picks up a brand new record player over the weekend. It’s beautiful, dark wood and chrome. Now he’ll just have to hunt for the vinyls he needs.

 

 

 

 

It’s a little over two weeks until Christmas, and Dean is standing in a mall panicking. Nothing here seems fit for Cas. He knows everything that Cas likes, yet he can’t seem to think of anything. He thinks about it long and hard, about stuff that Cas would want. He thinks about buying Cas a bunch of big, ugly sweaters, because he’s obsessed with them, but that just seems…not right.

 

 

Dean decides he will knit him one.

 

 

He hopes his idea isn’t lame, but he can think of a perfect sweater to make him. A huge, cozy maroon one, and he’ll find a patch to iron on the front.

 

 

Dean goes to the fabric store and picks out thick crimson yarn and a grey, howling wolf patch for the front of it. He buys a knitting needle and a book about the basics of knitting.

 

 

He knits practically day and night, scrapping four pieces before he starts to get it right. The loops are sometimes lopsided or sloppy, but he thinks it looks pretty damn good. He sews the patch on last, with careful, hidden stitches. He wraps it in silver paper and ties it with a red bow. He finishes it four days before Christmas day.

 

 

 

Cas ordered five records online, but it’s the day before Christmas Eve and only four have arrived. He works the night before Christmas, but has Christmas day itself off. He’ll be spending part of it with his own family, and then heading to the Winchester’s for dinner and present exchange. He’s nervous to give Dean and his family their gifts. He got Sam a signed copy of a book by one of his favorite authors, Carver Edlund. For Mary he bought a new cookware set, and for John, a brown leather jacket.

 

 

Dean knows that this is going to be one gooey, special Christmas- the first they’ve all spent together in four years. He’s so grateful to be here to watch the snow fall with his mom, and take Sam sledding. To be able to sit around the fire while they watch old movies, and throw popcorn at one another. The thought that Cas is spending it with them as well is just as exciting.

 

 

Dean is antsy already from the day of Christmas Eve. He’s worried now that his present is lame, and that Cas will laugh at him. He gets more anxious about it as time goes on, and by the time that Cas arrives the next day, he’s a wreck, sweaty and visibly nervous.

 

 

“What’s wrong, Dean ?” Cas asks when they go up to his room before the gift unwrapping starts.

 

 

“Nothing, I’m just nervous about giving everyone their gifts.” Dean reassures him.

 

 

Cas squeezes his hand. “Me too.”

 

 

Mary calls them downstairs a few minutes later, the fire blazing. She hands out the designated presents first, and tells Dean he should open his before everyone else. Unknowingly, he opens Cas’ last. He picks up the big box with the smaller, thinner one on top. “It’s heavy.” Dean says, reading the tag. “Cas, what could you have possibly gotten me ?” He opens the paper carefully, his cheeks tinted a light pink from all the eyes on him. He opens the bigger box first, eyes lighting up when he sees what’s inside. “Cas ! Thank you, wow.” He beams, looking it over. He sets it carefully aside and opens the thinner package. “Holy shit, is this….this record is _impossible_ to find ! All of them are !” He practically attacks Cas with a hug “Thank you so much.”

 

 

Now he’s even more nervous to give Castiel his. He hands him the gift anyway, avoiding his eyes. Cas feels the soft package, trying to determine what it is before he opens it. The first thing he sees when he takes the paper off is soft maroon yarn. He pulls it out to find a perfectly oversized sweater, exactly in the style he would like. “This is really nice Dean, thank you. I love it.” He says sincerely. He notices Mary nudge Dean.

 

“I uh, I made it. For you.” Dean says quietly, looking at the ground.

 

 

“You made this ?! It’s _amazing_. Exactly what I like. Thank you, that was really nice of you.” Cas smiles brightly, unable to believe that Dean did something so sweet for him.

 

 

 

Later, when they head to Dean’s room after dinner, Cas slips the sweater on. He presses a sleeve to his nose. “It smells like you.” He smiles softly and lays on the bed next to Dean. “This was really thoughtful of you, I really love it.” He says, turning to face him.

 

Dean has a shy smile on his face. “So was your gift. I really love it too.” He gets up to put on the Metallica record, then lays back in the same position.

 

“So….I think….its time.” Dean says.

 

“Time for what ?” Cas asks, confused.

 

“This…” Dean leans forward before he changes his mind. He presses their lips together softly, hesitantly. When Cas doesn’t pull away, he deepens the kiss slightly. Cas moves forward and wraps gentle arms around Dean’s waist. They both pull away for a moment, staying close enough to breathe each other’s air.

 

“Yeah, I can’t argue with that.” Cas huffs a laugh. He leans in again, giving Dean soft , hot kisses.

 

Dean slips his hands just beneath Cas’ new sweater, to rest on his hips. His thumbs rub slow circles, giving Cas a tingly feeling all the way to his toes.

 

“You’re beautiful, Dean.” He says quietly.

 

“No, I’m not.” Dean pulls back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the ending kinda sucks. Thoughts ?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't updated sooner ! I've been busy working on a project- I'm selling custom Supernatural pillows for $13 + $6 shipping. You can see pictures of them on my Instagram @dean_sinchester. YOu can also contact me there if you want to buy one (:

"Dean....yes you are. You're gorgeous, you're perfect. And not just your looks ...everything about you." Cas looks at him sadly. "Please believe me. I wouldn't lie to you." 

 

"Cas, I'm covered in scars and burns. That's not beautiful to anyone." He looks down at his hands in his lap, scooting away a little. "I'm sorry I ruined everything again." 

 

"You haven't ruined anything. Everything is just fine. This is the best Christmas I've ever had, and I wouldn't want to spend it anywhere else." He reaches out for Dean's hand and pulls him closer again.

 

Dean fights a smile, and curls up against his side.

 

 

A few days after Christmas, Cas visits the Winchester's after his shift. It was a bad day, and he just wants some comfort and a warm meal. He can tell right away that Dean is having a bad day as well, and that just puts him in an even worse mood.

 

"Dean, you okay ?" He asks, nudging him. Dean just shakes his head and goes back to silently staring out the window. They sit in silence for a long time, before Cas tries to talk to him again. 

 

"Dean ? Talk to me." Castiel puts a hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean."

 

"The nightmares, the flashbacks....all of it. I can't take it anymore. Nothing is getting any better, and it's been months. It's almost the new year, but nothing's changing...." 

 

"I'm sorry. But you have to keep going, and eventually it will all be over." Cas tells him softly. He pulls Dean into a hug.

 

"It's too hard." Dean says, tears slipping out of his eyes. His shoulders shake as he cries into Cas' chest. His fingers clench into Cas' t-shirt, and then he can't stop crying.

 

"Dean...it's okay, it's okay. Calm down, you're going to make yourself sick." Cas wipes away Deans tears. "Dean. I'm serious, you're crying so hard..."

 

It takes half an hour for Dean to stop crying, and then he's just listless. Cas cleans him up and gets him to drink some water, and then tucks him in.

 

It's been two days since then, and Dean won't eat or talk. He mostly just sleeps or lays in bed staring at the wall. Cas does everything to try to help him, but he's just too tired. He's been trying so hard that he feels utterly burnt out.

 

All the memories from his time with Alistair are flooding back, each one hitting him like a bus. They're eating him up inside, burning from the inside out like he swallowed acid. He's been beaten, broken, stolen, stolen from....and he cant escape from it. He wants help, needs it, he just doesn't know how to get it or how to ask for it. He doesn't think he can talk without screaming. Everything stuck inside of him is just bursting at the seams, splitting him open.

 

He gets up.

 

He goes downstairs, and hears his family conversing in quiet voices- most likely in worried tones, about him. 

 

"I think I need therapy. Or something..." Dean finally spits it out, leaning against the doorframe. His family looks at him in surprise.

 

"Honey, are you sure ?" Mary asks in a worried voice. "It might bring back some bad memories for you.." 

 

"I already re-live them all the time... I think its what I need. To talk about it with someone from the outside, someone who wasn't involved in the situation." Dea takes a deep breath, already feeling slight relief.

 

Mary pulls him into a hug. "I love you sweetheart. Your father and I will look into it." 

 

Sam comes into Dean's room later that night. "Hey Dean."

 

"Hey, Sammy. What's up ?" Dean invites him in. It's been a long time since they've just been normal brothers.

 

"I'm worried about you, Dean. I don't...I don't want to lose you again." Sam looks at his feet and sits down next to him. "I had to live without you for four years... and yeah so it wasn't as bad as what you went through, but things around here weren't a picnic either. I just want my big brother back." He wipes away some stray tears.

 

Dean instantly feel horrible. He never thought about what it must have done to his family, he was too selfish. He needs to get better for them and for himself, and leave behind everything he lost. "I'm sorry Sammy. Everything's gonna be okay now, I'm here to stay." He side hugs him and ruffles his hair. "Don't worry."

 

They play video games for half the night, and its just like old times.

 

Almost.

 

"I'm getting therapy." Dean tells Cas on the phone. "I hope that it makes me better."

 

"That's good news Dean, I think it could be very beneficial for both you and your family." Cas is secretly relieved, he had been becoming increasingly worried about Dean's state of well-being. "I miss you. I'll come see you soon."

 

"Cas ?"

 

"Yeah ?"

 

"Are we dating ?" Dean asks, holding his breath

 

"Yes." Cas says definitively. "We are."

 

Dean goes to therapy twice a week for two hour sessions with a woman named Meg. She's snarky, no nonsense, but she gives damn good advice and she listens. She sympathizes when Dean spills everything he's been through, but she doesn't patronize him like everyone else does.

 

It gives Dean hope that he can move past everything and have a normal life.

 

He finds himself dreaming of a white picket fence, a steady job, and a husband. Yes, a husband.. something he probably wouldn't even consider before, is now all he can think about. He can picture waiting up for Cas as he comes home from a late shift, and them eating breakfast in a diner at 2am. Yeah, he can imagine doing all this stupid stuff, and he imagines it all with Cas. Everything is different now he's twenty-one, almost twenty-two; he's grown up. 

 

Cas can see definite improvements in Dean, and it's causing him to fall for him. They go out and do things now, go on dates, and laugh, and kiss...everything Cas never knew he wanted. He doesn't want it with just anyone, he wants it with Dean.

 

Two broken halves make a whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really like the last chapter I posted, so I hope this one was better. It's a little short because my computer is broken, and long story short I'm typing this on my Dad's computer, directly on the site, so I have no idea how many words it is.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so I'm back ! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long, my laptop has been broken :( It's fixed now though !

Dean starts improving in leaps and bounds, and with everything going on in his life he doesn’t have time to regress anymore. He got a job as an auto body detailer now, and he takes Sam out for fun things, and goes on dates with Cas frequently.

 

Cas is working on New Year’s Eve, but that doesn’t stop Dean from spending time with him. He brings a bunch of snacks and party items to the on-call room, and watches ‘New Years Rockin’ Eve’ by himself while Cas visits between rounds and whenever he can.

 

Cas runs into the room two minutes before midnight, and scooches onto a small cot next to Dean. Dean hands him a glass of sparkling apple juice, and they make a toast to a new beginning.

“ _5…4….3….2…..1_ ” They chant in unison. “Happy New- !” Dean’s exclaim is interrupted by Cas’ lips colliding with his own. Cas pulls away after a moment and rests their foreheads together. “Happy New Year, Dean.”

 

“Thank you, angel.” Dean grins back.

 

They get a lot of bad weather in the weeks that follow. January proves to be cold and snowy, just as the weathermen had predicted. But life doesn’t stop just for the frosty flakes, and Cas often finds himself driving to work in a near blizzard. This particular night is dark onyx, windy, icy, and snowing all at once, and it seems like Cas’ car is crawling along the road. The car in front of him turns on its hazard lights, so he moves into the next lane.

 

Cas didn’t see the other car coming up behind him when he switched lanes, and it barrels into him. The ice makes Cas’ car spin out into the road, where yet another vehicle collides with his own. He’s eventually shoved to the side of the road, disoriented but conscious. He leans back in his seat and groans, flashing back to med school videos about how to triage car accident victims. He’s pretty sure he’s fine for the most part, although his wrist aches in such a way that worries him a little. He can wait it out until the ambulance gets there.

 

 

Dean is terrified when he gets the call that Cas has been in an accident. John has to drive him to the hospital because he’s shaking so bad. He runs and slips and falls on the way into the hospital, but he doesn’t care; he must look wild to the woman behind the desk. “ _CastielNovakwhereisheisheokay?_ ” Dean asks in a rush. John comes up behind his son and puts a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Castiel Novak, what room ?” He asks the receptionist.

 

She types on her computer for a moment. “Room 206, just down the hall and to your right.”

 

Dean barrels into the room. “Cas !”

 

Cas is sitting up in bed, with a cut on his forehead and his arm propped up until they can put a proper cast on it. “Dean, Dean, I’m fine, I’m okay. I can’t say the same for my car though.” He gives Dean a small smile.

 

Dean walks to Cas’ good side and kisses him all over his face, pulling up a chair. “I was so worried….I’m still so worried.”

 

“It’s just a broken radius, nothing more. I’ll be good as new in a few weeks.”

 

Dean sits up with Cas while they put the cast on his arm, and is the first one to sign it. They release him in the early morning, and he goes home to the Winchester’s house. They lay in Dean’s bed together, talking quietly and absorbing each other’s presence.

 

“You’ll be extra careful from now on, right ?” Dean asks him. “Or I could drive you to work. Or wrap you in bubble wrap.” He laughs quietly.

 

“I’ll be fine. It was just an accident because of the snow.” Cas snuggles closer to Dean and tangles their legs together. “I’m planning on sticking around with you for a long time. Until we’re watching the sun set in our rocking chairs and can’t eat anything except oatmeal.”

 

Long after Cas falls asleep, Dean stays up worrying. What if something severe really did happen to Cas ? What would he do ? He doesn’t think he could make it through everything without him.

 

 

Dean stays the night at Cas’ apartment for the first time that winter. He goes over after Cas gets home from work and they have a night in- a nice dinner by the fireplace and a movie. They start off with slow kissing, and then things get more heated. So far they haven’t done too much in the way of sexual encounters, because of Dean’s self image issues.

 

“Babe, you’re so beautiful.” Cas murmurs, mouthing at the skin of Dean’s throat. They’re laying tangled together on the couch now, panting against each other’s mouth.

 

Dean arches his neck to give Cas more access, gripping his biceps tightly. It feels so good to have Cas’ mouth on him, like he’s burning up from the inside and Cas is his only remedy. Dean has forgotten what this feels like, how good it feels to be intimate with another person. To have someone make him feel so wanted….

 

He pushes Cas onto his back and climbs in his lap, feeling a lot more confident now. He tugs Castiel’s shirt off and tosses it aside, kissing and nipping down the smooth skin of his chest. Dean wants to make Cas feel as good as he does. He involuntarily starts grinding slowly into Cas’ lap, drawing a long moan from him. Cas grips at Dean’s hips, tugging him closer.

 

They both fall into an intense kiss, teeth gnashing and tongues colliding. Harsh pants fall from both of them, warming the air in between them. Cas starts to grind up against Dean as well, both of their erections straining.

 

Dean sucks gently on the skin just behind Cas’ ear, sending a shiver down his spine. “Dean…” He moans. Just the sound of his name from Cas’ lips is driving Dean crazy. “Don’t stop.” Cas demands.

 

Dean starts grinding harder, in small circles. The friction feels so good, he doesn’t think he could stop if he wanted to. The small crescendo in the pit of his abdomen is building, and he goes faster, chasing his release. He feels white hot, on the brink of coming just by Cas’ hands rubbing circles into his hips and the feel of his body underneath him.

 

 

Castiel loves seeing Dean like this- coming undone. He’s panting and moaning on his lap, and he feels so perfect against him. Cas moves his hands down to cup Dean’s ass “Come on baby, almost there.” His own orgasm hits him by surprise, and his muscles stiffen up as he bursts out with a long moan. Like a chain reaction, Dean is coming as well, and they both have a silent moment of bliss before they collapse, boneless.

 

“Did I just come from dry-humping ?” Dean wonders.

 

Cas laughs “I guess we both did.”

 

That doesn’t matter to either of them, because for them, it’s a big step. It’s another thing they can do together now, it’s something else that Dean isn’t afraid or ashamed to do. It’s another step toward full on sex, when they’re ready.

 

Cas has laid awake on more than one occasion thinking about all the things he’d like to do with Dean in their future. Having Dean stay the night was one of them, as well has have sex, move in together, buy a house…Cas would love nothing more than to do all the good things in life with Dean, but sometimes he’s scared of pushing Dean away. He doesn’t blame him for struggling to be able to do some things, and he just hopes his own impatience sometimes won’t sabotage their relationship. He dreams of buying them a house, and getting down on one knee. He knows deep down that he’s completely in love with Dean, and he would do anything for him. He’ll wait for him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a little bit random, and also kind of short, but I really just wanted to start writing and posting again to get back into thr swing of things. I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway ! And I hope my smut was at least halfway decent.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still having some writers block but I pushed through to write another chapter for you all (: I hope it's better than the last one I posted !

Dean is out grocery shopping by himself one day when he hears a nasally voice that sounds exactly like Alistair’s. In the back of his mind, he knows that Alistair is dead, but for one moment, it just takes him back.

 

_“So pretty. Anyone ever tell you that kid ? It’s a shame I’ll have to change that.” Alistair mocks. The whip cracks down across Dean’s back for the very first time, shooting sparks of searing pain through his whole body. Dean looked around the dark, dingy basement and wondered how long it could possibly take someone to find him. He had had no idea then that it would be four years. That was the first night of the kidnapping, back when he still had hope. He had been so shocked at first, he had no idea things like this happened outside of movies. But the shock turned to acceptance after two years of Hell, and he lost another piece of hope every day after that._

Dean stares in horror at the man and backs away, embarrassingly enough, into a display. He ends up sitting amongst a pile of cans.

 

The man comes closer, “Are you okay ?”

 

“Please…don’t come closer.” Dean is panicking, and he feels bad for resisting the man’s help. He shakes his head and walks away.

 

Dean is shaking uncontrollably now, his breathing coming in rough gasps. He pulls his phone out and tries to dial Cas’ number, but his fingers are too clumsy in his current state. More people approach him to ask if he’s alright. He has a nice middle aged woman dial Castiel’s number for him.

 

“Cas ? Can..can you come get me ? I’m still at the grocery store.” His voice sounds wrong even to himself, tinny and unsure. He feels like such an incompetent baby, like he can’t even take care of himself. Cas arrives less than fifteen minutes later.

 

 

Cas speeds all the way to the grocery store- he could hear in Dean’s voice that something was majorly wrong. When he arrives, it takes him a minute to find Dean. He’s sitting on the floor, half curled up, breathing roughly and clearly trying very hard to hold it together. Patrons of the store have stopped to stare, and Cas shoos them away.

 

He crouches in front of Dean. “Hey, babe, it’s okay, I’m here now.”

 

He takes Dean’s shaking hands in his own and kisses them, then sits next to him.

 

He speaks soothingly to him, not touching him again and sitting a safe distance away but still close enough to comfort him. He helps him stand up afterward and picks up the cans. As they walk out, Cas asks if he wants to talk about it.

 

“Something reminded me of…of him.” He never mentions Alistair by name, but Cas always knows who he’s referring to.

 

“Oh Dean, I’m so sorry. I should have been there.” He helps Dean into the car.

 

“I’m so messed up. Everyone thinks I’m a freak now, too.” Dean says bitterly, looking out the car window. He had thought this kind of stuff was long over with.

 

“They can’t judge you without knowing you. They would understand if they knew. It’s perfectly normal to have PTSD Dean, you went through something very traumatic for a very long time. No one expects you to be 100% fine. It hasn’t even been a year yet.” Cas tries to reason with Dean, but he knows that Dean is beating himself up.

 

When they get back to the Winchester’s, Dean goes right to his room. Cas follows him silently, not sure if Dean wants to be alone. They sit watching his tv, but Cas can tell Dean’s mind is somewhere else.

 

 

 

_Dean remembers laying on a dirty mattress, in pain and wishing to die. Wishing that he could just not wake up the next morning, and everything would be over with. His family could move on; they wouldn’t have to wonder anymore because eventually his body would be found, or Alistair would dump it. And then Dean wouldn’t have to suffer anymore._

 

He snaps back to the present as Cas shifts on the bed.

 

“Dean ? You sure you’re okay ?” He asks gently.

 

“Yeah. Just thinking, you know ?” Dean rolls onto his side to face Cas. “I try not to think about it mostly, but sometimes it’s inevitable.”

 

Cas holds him close and they lay in silence for a long time, each lost in their thoughts.

 

 

The whole ordeal makes Dean nervous to go out in public again, something he’d thought he’d gotten past months ago. But he fears seeing something or someone that will set him off again- bring back the panic attacks and nightmares. He continues with his therapy but refuses to talk more about what actually happened, instead choosing to talk about his own thoughts and feelings.

 

He’s a little quieter around the house, but he’s still doing pretty well. Dean tends to stick around home a lot more again, but Cas doesn’t mind. He knows how hard Dean is trying and he’s been doing remarkably well for it just being mere months after his release from Alistair. The one thing that is worrying him is the nightmares that plague his boyfriend.

 

 

_Dean dreams of being back in the basement, after Alistair had died. He didn’t understand then, what was happening. He just knew he had to try to survive if he ever wanted a chance. He was forced to eat the old food that had been down in the basement long before his capture, and drink disgusting rain water that had seeped in. He especially remembers trying to break open cans, and choking down stale bread. The basement had run out of food three days before he was found._

 

 

Dean has a check up with the hospital scheduled soon. It feels like a lifetime ago that he was last here- so much was different then. It’s kind of nice in a way to see all the old familiar faces, like Missouri and Benny. They were people who had treated him so kindly when he was at his lowest point, and he hasn’t forgotten that.

 

“Ooo, child, look at you now.” Missouri says, shaking her head. “Come over here and give me some love.” She pulls Dean into a hug. “You look great honey.”

 

“Thanks Missouri. I owe it all to you guys, and Cas of course.” He glances back at Cas, who is filling out some paperwork.

 

“No, you worked hard to get where you are now.” Benny pipes in. “We’re proud of you, Dean.” He claps Dean on the shoulder and gives him a reassuring smile.

 

 

A short time later, Dean finds himself in a paper gown, laying on an examining table. He waits somewhat apprehensively for the doctor to come in.

Henrikson enters the room and washes his hands. “Hello Dean, how are you ?” They exchange the proper greetings and Henrikson starts his physical exam. He takes Dean’s vital signs, checks his reflexes and hearing. “Everything looks good so far. Could you remove your gown please ?” Dean hates this part- the part where he has to have his scars assessed. The majority of them have faded as much as they can, but the few prominent ones are still big reminders for Dean. He squeezes his eyes shut as Victor pokes and prods his back. “They’re looking good, healing quite nicely.” He clears Dean to be physically fit and dismisses him to the waiting room.

 

Dean is surprised at how comfortable he feels here. He hasn’t been back up to this wing of the hospital since he was discharged all those months ago. There’s a lot of memories here, that’s for sure, but a lot of them are good. It’s nice to sit and remember for a minute, and realize how far he’s come since then. Just because he’s had some setbacks since then, doesn’t mean that he’s stopped moving forward. It’s taken him a long time to come to these conclusions, and he knows he had to figure it out for himself.

 

 

Dean moves into Cas’ apartment in the end of February. They start refurnishing it together- changing it from the cold, unlived in feel that it harbored before to a cozy atmosphere that makes them both feel warm and safe. Before, it had been mostly whites and blues, just like the hospital. Cas was barely here, so he had no reason for anything else. Together, they change it to reds and browns, mixing in greens and giving the place an earthy feel. The whole ordeal is another shock to Dean’s system, but a good one this time.

 

The pair are settled down across from their new fireplace one night when Cas turns to face Dean, looking unsure.

 

“Hey, Dean ?”

 

“Hmm ?” Dean asks, shoving a pretzel in his mouth.

 

“What…what was it like ? What was it like being with Alistair ?” Cas knows he shouldn’t bring it up, especially when they’re having a nice evening, but his curiosity has been killing him. He believes that the next step in their relationship is to break this iceberg once and for all. He needs to understand Dean better.

 

Dean takes a deep breath but surprisingly, doesn’t shy away. He swallows before continuing- “Scary. The hardest part was the not knowing. Not knowing when he would be back, or what was going to happen next. And, you know, not knowing about my family, that was hard.” He’s quiet for a long moment, and Cas thinks that he isn’t going to say any more.

 

“You’ve never asked me before.” Dean says, meeting Cas’ eyes.

 

“I know. I didn’t want to bring back bad memories for you, but I know now that we need to trust each other. We’re living together now…” Cas gives him a tentative smile.

 

“Yes we are.” Dean kisses him gently. “I just want you to know that I couldn’t have done any of this without you, so…thank you. I can’t really thank you enough. I’m kind of forever in your debt.” Dean grins softly.

 

“I think I can use that to my advantage.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to touch base on Dean's past again....I hope everything makes sense and that you guys enjoyed it :)


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